I'II teII you this about my father.
Aah!
He had a heart of goId.
He was honest to a fauIt.
And he aImost aIways smeIt Iike taIcum powder.
He just reaIIy Ioved his Johnson's baby powder.
No, but, I mean, Iike, a Iot.
He'd sprinkIe the stuff on himseIf...
over himseIf, under himseIf...
and then just for good measure, under himseIf again.
Because, as he was fond of saying, ''You never know.''
To this day, if you cover my eyes and put me across the room...
I couIdn't teII you the difference between...
a freshIy bathed baby and my father's baIIs.
I'm not saying that's a heaIthy thing.
I'm just saying it's something I remember.
The best time I ever had with my father...
was when he was having maybe the worst time of his Iife.
Go figure, right? You never know.
Mom, make her stop!
- LiIIy! - What?
Are you jumping on the couch?
No.
I'm going to come in there and turn off the TV.
- Why? - Why? WeII, did you do your reading?
Yeah.
- WeII, it's getting Iate. It's time to-- - LiIIy, quit it!
- LiIIy! - It's mine!
AII right, now, it says here five-bedroom rustic retreat with its own Iake.
What does that mean? It has, Iike, its own Iake?
ReaIIy? Like, how big is the Iake?
A Iake? Who buys a Iake?
- How much? - WeII...
AII right, when you say you can rowboat, Iike, how far couId you rowboat?
- Grape. - Daddy.
You couId rowboat a Iong time...
or you couId paddIe two or three times and then you got to turn around again?
You know what? You're choking Daddy.
WeII, that's--See, that's-- That doesn't sound to me Iike a Iake.
- That's more Iike a pond, frankIy. - Honey, forget it.
Maybe not even a pond. That couId be just a smaII wet area.
I'm not kidding around! Quit it!
Who? The owner?
He has to interview us?
- Oh, see, that just sounds crazy. - What does that mean? Huh?
OK, girIs, come on, bed.
- Mean it. - ReaIIy?
Come on.
You think it might be gone that fast?
Jeez. Wow.
HeIIo?
Oh, yeah, just to teII you, a Mr. KIeinman is on his way up.
- Mr. KIeinman? - I don't have to--
Honey, are we doing something with your parents?
My parents?
Uh...
Not going to stay Iong. Just came by for a quick howdy do.
- Hi. - What--Where's--Where's Mom?
Uh, she's, uh... Uh, she's going to come Iater.
She--So, you came by yourseIf?
- Yeah. - Hiya, Papi!
Oh. Did you get more beautifuI? Huh? Huh?
I think you did.
So, you just came just Iike this?
Yeah. Look at this face. Mmm.
- WeII, is everything OK? - Huh? Yeah, sure. Why?
WeII, no, I mean, because you usuaIIy don't--
- Hi, Papi. - Oh, there she is.
- Oh, yeah. - I--I'm just--
What are you doing in the city?
It's a probIem for a person to come and say heIIo?
No, of course you can, but, I mean--
Uh-oh. You're probabIy in the middIe of dinner.
- Dinner was-- - Dinner? No, no.
We're actuaIIy just getting the girIs to bed.
Because I can come back another time.
No, no, don't be siIIy. GirIs, go and brush your teeth.
- Now, you're sure? - AbsoIuteIy. GirIs, go.
- They're not going. - What did Mom say? Go, go, go, go.
- Come on, come on, schooI. - I'm not washing my whoIe face.
AII right, weII, just do the sticky parts, then. Let's go. Come on.
Listen, you do whatever you have to do. I'm not even here.
Are you hungry?
No. No, no, no.
You know, because I can heat up some pasta.
No. No, no, no, no.
- Are you sure everything is aII right? - Yeah, sure, fine.
I just--I'm a IittIe confused as to why Mom is not here.
Oh, I just wanted to show you something.
What?
There's a IittIe something I want to show you.
- OK, show me what? - I'II show you Iater.
- Show me now. - Daddy, wiII you brush my hair?
Yeah, yeah, just a second.
Go, go. Brush their hair. We'II taIk after.
- Daddy. - Yeah, OK, OK.
You don't want anything? A drink?
No. No, no, no.
- Juice? - No, no, no.
- Coffee? - No, no.
OK, coffee I'II have.
OK.
OK. OK, good. Hey, hey.
What are you doing?
I forgot to do my reading.
AII right, aII right, go ahead, but then I want you asIeep, aII right?
- Thanks for being my baby girI. - Thanks for being my daddy.
What's your story?
Can we snuggIe tiII I'm sIeeping?
- You going to faII asIeep fast? - Yeah.
- AII right, scoot over. - Ha ha!
Come on, come on, come on.
OK. Make some room for me, you.
Thanks for being my baby girI.
- Thanks for being my daddy. - Yeah.
OK. Shh, shh, shh, shh.
Okey-dokey.
They're down.
What's the matter?
It's from your mom.
I found it on the refrigerator.
I don't understand. What is it? What does that mean?
''I'm Ieaving.''
Like it says, she's Ieaving.
- I don't understand. - WeIcome to the cIub.
Did you guys have a fight or something?
No fight. Everything fine.
ReaIIy? So, why...
She'd just had enough.
What? So, where--where is she going to go?
- Read. - ''I don't know where I'm going to go.''
Even she don't know.
''AII these years have fIown by...
''and I don't know where they've gone, either.
''I know I was a young woman when we met...
''but for the Iife of me, I don't know what happened to her.
''I need to be somewhere eIse now, and I need to be there aIone.
I hope you'II understand. Love, MurieI.''
Jesus.
TeII us what we can do.
I don't know. I figured I'd give it a day or two.
Wait a second. When did you find this?
Monday.
And you're just teIIing us about it now?
- I didn't want to worry anybody. - Oh, for God's sake.
Who are you caIIing? The poIice?
Yeah, yeah.
''Hey, there's a woman out there in her seventies...
5'4'' and very angry. Take a Iook around.''
- Linda, hey. - Linda?
- Linda doesn't know. - Have you spoken to Mom IateIy?
You're going to invoIve your sisters now?
- WeII, how did she sound, then? - She sounded fine. Why?
You don't know about this Ietter?
- What Ietter? - Benny, she's got her own probIems.
What Ietter?
She I--She Ieft a note. She--
Mom Ieft Dad, basicaIIy.
ReaIIy? Good for her.
- Hey. - What? What'd she say?
- She says she can't beIieve it. - WeII, beIieve it.
Hey, ready for this? Mom Ieft Dad.
What? What do you mean?
- She Ieft him a Ietter. - Who are you taIking to?
- It's HiIIary. - What's she doing there?
She came by to borrow the Iand cruiser.
- Who? - HiIIary.
- HiIIary? - HiIIary.
- What is she doing there? - She came over to borrow her car.
What does she need the car for?
ReaIIy? That's what you want to taIk about now?
She actuaIIy, Iike, took cIothes in a suitcase and went somewhere?
ApparentIy, yeah.
- HoIy shit. - Yeah.
- "Holy" shit. - HoIy shit.
- What? - They're--They're shocked.
They're both--They're expressing shock.
- Did they speak to Bonnie? - Did you speak to Bonnie?
No, I haven't spoken to Bonnie since JuIy.
No.
Four kids--does something Iike this, doesn't teII anybody.
OK, wouId you--wouId you give her a caII?
- It's her turn to caII me. - Oh, wouId you stop? Just grow up.
PIease. Give her a caII.
She's going to hate that we know something before she does.
Just--Linda, pIease.
OK. HoId on. Watch.
''What do you mean? Why did no one teII me?
You know how much I worry.''
- HeIIo? - Hey, it's me.
WeII, hi. What a nice surprise. How are you?
I'm aII right. Listen, there's a bit of a thing, though, with Mom and Dad.
Oh, my God. I knew it. I had a dream Iast night.
- No, no. Everyone is fine. - OK, what happened? Just teII me.
- So? - She's caIIing Bonnie.
Yeah. He's over there now. Ben caIIed me, and I'm caIIing you.
Great.
Why I'm the Iast one to find out, I'II never know.
- Bonnie-- - OIdest chiId...
Iast one to hear about everything.
- OK, whatever. - So, you don't know anything about this.
No! Jesus, what do you think? I--
OK, OK. I got to caII you back.
She doesn't know a thing.
- Oy. - So, now what?
Uh, I--Now, I don't know.
Is he going to stay there with you tonight?
Yes, of course he's going to stay with us tonight.
- No, no. No, no, no, no. - Yes.
You cannot drive home at this hour. You're going to sIeep here with us.
- I am not going to sIeep with you. - Yes, you are.
- I'm not discussing this. - No, no, no, no.
- I have no pajamas. - Pajamas. You hearing this?
Ben has pajamas.
WeII, how is he? He must be so Iost.
- No, he's fine. - I'm fine.
- He's fine. - Of course I'm fine.
- Yeah. - It's just a screwy mix-up.
There you go.
A IittIe screwy mix-up? Is that what he thinks this is?
He doesn't get it.
WouId you get her feet off of there, pIease?
Jeez.
OK, what is your tomorrow?
WeII, now I don't know. I was-- I was thinking of driving upstate.
I was gonna go Iook at a house.
- Perfect. Take Daddy. - Take him with me?
Yeah, keep him moving, distracted.
I'II get on the phone here, get to the bottom of this.
I'm not that worried.
- What? - No, she's saying--
She's saying everything is gonna be aII right.
Of course everything's gonna be aII right.
- I'm not even worried. - Liar.
Good-bye.
And you wouId reaIIy go Iive on a farm?
It's not a farm. It's a farmhouse.
Farmhouse--it's a house with Iand.
It's just a--you know...
it's something we've been taIking about for a whiIe, and--and--
'Cause I don't know if we want the girIs to grow up in this city.
- I mean, is that-- - WeII, the suburbs I couId understand.
Yeah, but I just Iike the idea of the country.
You know? It appeaIs to me.
You know, it's--it's safe, it's quiet.
I couId do my writing there.
What does that mean, a farm? You'd have Iike, what, chickens?
No, no, no. Not chickens.
It's not a farm. It's just--
Yeah, I mean, you couId grow stuff if you want.
You couId grow tomatoes or corn or something, I'm sure.
In upstate New York?
Yeah, you couId--Why not?
WeII, New Jersey has the fantastic corn.
AII right, weII, you know what? The point isn't to grow corn--
New York is, I think, maybe too coId for corn.
Forget I said corn. Drop the corn. The point is the house.
You go, and it's a house in the country, so--
- It sounds Iike a nice thing. - Yeah, I understand.
Just a quiet pIace in the country.
Yeah, yeah. That's aII. A house in the country.
WeII, you're not gonna buy it without Iooking at it first, though, right?
What are we doing? We're going-- We're driving to go Iook at it, right?
'Cause, you know, you never know.
No, I know. I know.
So, what do you know?
I had a thought, but no one wanted to hear it.
What?
WeII, if she's that fed up with your father...
wouIdn't she maybe want to Iook up an oId boyfriend or something?
No. That's my mother we're taIking about.
I'm not saying she had a Iover or anything.
PIease. PIease. Whoever she's gonna caII is aIready married or dead.
I shouId just turn around and come home right now, shouIdn't I?
No, no. Let us Iook for her.
You're doing the best thing for your dad right now.
- How's he doing? - He's, you know...
I hit the sink thing! It sprayed aII over me!
What? What's happening?
- Uh...oy. - How is he?
Damn sink sprayed me, but good.
Hon?
I don't know. He--
- He Iooks oIder. - He is.
Who's that? RacheI?
- Yeah. - Anything?
Nothing yet.
Hey, you know what? Try and have fun with him today.
You aIways say you never had time together, right?
So, maybe this is...the good thing.
AII right. Here he comes. Gotta go.
OK, take it easy. I Iove you.
- Love you, too. - AII right.
So, it's OK? You can take a day off Iike this?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just had a magazine piece that was due.
I just turned that in yesterday, so I'm good.
And your book? It's stiII, uh...
The book? No, no. No, working on the book.
StiII writing, yeah. But it's--
You know, Iisten, three and a haIf years in...
and taking one afternoon off is not gonna kiII me.
You know, I went into the bookstore in the maII.
- Oh, yeah, yeah? - Yeah.
I thought I'd see if they had your other book.
- Ha ha. OK. And? - They don't.
They don't. Oh, weII. No, they don't carry everything.
The big stores--You know, in the maII, they're not gonna--
You know who they have a Iot of? John Grisham.
My God. This guy-- one book after another, this guy!
He's fast. He's fast.
How'd you know it was me?
I think this is it.
- Wow. - PIenty of room here.
Look at this!
Do you beIieve this is aII the same pIace?
Lot of mowing and pruning.
You're gonna have to get one of those mowers with a chair on it.
Ha ha ha! Oh, wow.
So, this wouId be the driveway.
You hear that? Listen to that. The pebbIes against the tires.
- GraveI is good. - Oh, yeah.
Oh, I Iike this. I Iike this.
Mr. Harrison?
That I am. Mr. KIeinman?
- Yes, sir! - That's me.
Hi. Ben KIeinman.
WeII, heIIo.
Hi. This is my father.
- Sam KIeinman. How are you? - PIeasure.
You've got a spectacuIar pIace here.
- Thank you. - Yes, sir.
Uh...oh, uh, I'II teII you...
why don't you two feIIas taIk, and I'II just mosey around?
Terrific. Great. Thank you.
WeII, shaII I show you around?
PIease. That wouId be just terrific.
How was your trip up? AII right?
My great-grandmother's famiIy...
gave her this Iand on her eighteenth birthday.
Is that right? Huh.
And my great-grandfather buiIt the house with his own hands.
- ReaIIy? - Right after the CiviI War.
Wow. It's just-- It's a magicaI pIace.
It's important that you feeI that way.
Oh, I do. I do. Heh.
My father and I shot moose and wiId boar...
just inside those woods over there.
Wow. Heh.
The moose are gone now, by and Iarge.
Time marches on, with or without our consent.
Hmm.
I wiII teII you this, though--
whoever Iives here next...
wiII have the finest goIden corner of God's green earth.
Boy, you got some pIace here!
That Iake? Ooh!
We've been very bIessed.
Let me ask you something. The septic tank--
what kind of system did they put in here?
Do you know?
I beg your pardon?
I mean, it doesn't drain right into the Iake, does it?
Because I see the other houses up on the hiII there...
and I got to figure, if aII that's draining into your water--oh, boy.
Come the hot weather, this pIace is gonna stink to high heII.
Let me teII you something.
If a guy is seIIing you a house, and he don't want you to ask questions...
you don't want the house.
- Right. - Am I wrong?
No. I'm saying--you're right.
Your oId man is not as dumb as you think, you know.
Your mother and I, we Iooked at a house once.
I know. Lakewood.
Lakewood, New Jersey. That's right.
We got the money into escrow, we run an inspection...
what do we find?
Rats.
You'd better beIieve it. FIoor to ceiIing.
The pIace was infested.
So beIieve me, there is aIways a reason.
- AIways. - You're darn tootin'.
- There's aIways a reason. - Right.
- And there's never not a reason. - What?
Right? So, what you're saying is, there reaIIy--there is no house...
that anyone couId buy anywhere, ever.
- What? - Right?
I mean, aII over the worId. AII over the worId, no matter where...
no matter when, there just is no house...
that anybody shouId buy, you're saying...
because it--it's aIways a trick.
There's aIways some kind of scam.
- What are you taIking about? - So, therefore--therefore, what?
Don't even try?
Try what? I don't know what you're saying now.
That's your big pIan, is don't have a dream...
'cause if you have a dream, it'II onIy turn to shit.
Yeah, just Ieave things how they are.
We'II Ieave things how they are--nice-- and then wait tiII it's too Iate.
TiII what's too Iate?
Yeah, just wait tiII everybody's dead, right?
What are you gettin' so upset about?
- OK, that's why Mom Ieft. - Why?
You want to know why? Because of this.
- Because of what? - Because of this. Because of you.
You got a reason not to do everything.
Whatever it is, there's a reason-- ''No, you can't do that.''
She wanted a house in the country...
but you said, ''No, the kids are too IittIe.'' Right? And then, aII of a sudden...
''No, the kids are grown up. We don't need a house in the country.''
She wanted to traveI, but no-- ''This pIace is too far.
That pIace, it's not far enough.''
Right? ''The winter-- it's too coId. The summer--it's so crowded there.
The spring--it's rainy.''
Whatever it is. But you know what? Somebody goes to these pIaces!
Somebody's buying these houses in the country!
So I gotta think it can't be that fucking horribIe!
You know, you're taIkin' out of your ass--
Oh, am I? Yeah, OK.
When you're married forty years, come taIk to me.
PIease. It's not the forty years. It was aIways Iike this. You know that.
- Oh, reaIIy? - Yes, yes.
It was Iike this before I was born.
How do you know what the heII things were Iike before you were born?
I--I--Just trust me, I know. I know.
- You know? - Yes, I know.
WeII, I'm teIIing you you don't know what you're taIking about.
Oh, OK. I don't know what I'm taIking about?
- Do me a favor. - ReaIIy?
Why don't you cIose your mouth and drive me back to the city?
I don't know what I'm taIking about?
Good. Now, Iet me show you something.
Let's take a Iook. Let's see how much I don't know.
Keep your eye on the road! Watch where you're driving!
I want you to see something.
- Hey. Hey! Jesus! - Shit!
Whew. You aII right?
Yeah.
Yeah. You OK?
I'm fine.
Jesus.
Oh, boy.
That's good.
Hey.
A new car you can aIways get.
I'm sorry.
So, what were you gonna show me?
Nothing.
Now you got my attention. Heh.
OK.
What's this?
It's for you.
From you?
It's from Mom.
What, she's Ieaving me again now?
It was so much fun the first time?
She wrote this--She wrote this the year I was born.
She wrote it, but she never gave it to you.
So, how did you get it?
When I was fourteen, I was digging around in her nightstand drawer.
I was gonna steaI a cigarette.
Your mother doesn't smoke.
Not smoke smoke, but she used to--once in a whiIe.
She had the same pack of Newport Lights in there for seven years.
I never knew your mother smoked.
WeII, there you go.
So, you took this?
Yeah. I stiII don't know if she ever noticed it was gone.
And you keep this in the car?
No. I don't keep it in the c--
I dug it up to show it to you, because I thought--
'Cause I--I don't know why. Because I figured it was time.
''March 18--''
But that's two weeks before you were born.
Why...
Just read.
Sam...
this is the Ietter that shouId be pinned to a piIIow...
expIaining why the wife has run off and Ieft her husband.
But I have nobody to run off with...
nor can I run off.
ApparentIy, my Iife isn't even my own to do away with.
In my heart, I must take Ieave of you now...
because unIess I disentangIe myseIf from you emotionaIIy...
I'II never be a fit mother for our chiIdren.
I don't think you couId measure aII the tears I've shed.
When I've needed you most...
you have found it more pressing to be anywhere eIse but with me.
But I know it wasn't aIways so.
I know the worId was once vibrant with promise.
After aII, wasn't I the girI, fresh out of coIIege...
who got the job at the very first interview she ever had?
So what if I canceIIed my pIans to go see the WorId's Fair in Queens?
I was working in Manhattan...
and making $1 3 a week to boot.
And how thriIIing that you, a handsome young boss...
were interested in me.
When you went in the army...
I did everything I couId to keep that office running...
because I was sure this was the way to your heart.
How aII the more humiIiating it was for me, then...
to watch you spend your weekend furIoughs...
catching up on business...
whiIe I got the finaI fifteen minutes at Penn Station...
before you shipped out again.
I must have Ioved you an awfuI Iot to have been so hurt.
In fact, sometimes I aImost wish...
you wouId have yourseIf a Iove affair...
so that you wouId know how the heart can be affected.
Oh, I guess you Ioved me in your way...
as part of the whoIe picture--
a comfortabIe Iife taken for granted.
But beIieve me, it's not enough.
Maybe it's aII I'm meant to get...
but, pIease, don't Iet anybody ever treat our girIs this way.
From here on, I'II stop hoping you'II change.
I won't expect evenings to be different from each other...
nor weekends different from workdays.
I won't expect anything anymore.
But you have destroyed a marriage.
P.S.: CongratuIations. You finaIIy have your son.
I hope he brings you much pIeasure.
As for me, I'm gIad he's here...
but I stiII miss your tenderness...
your thoughtfuIness, even your poIiteness.
I don't know if you have it in you, but I yearn for it.
Maybe someday, when you have nothing eIse on your mind.
BuIIshit.
What?
BuIIshit.
What do you mean, buIIshit?
I'm saying that this is a crock of b-u-I-I-- buIIshit!
That is not the way it was.
- How what was? - AII of it!
- WeII-- - BuIIshit!
You think it was Iike that?
I don't know what it was Iike, but that's--that's what she wrote.
I mean, that's--that's what she feIt.
That I'm a prick?
Your father is such a caIIous...
uncaring son of a bitch...
that he ruined the marriage...
that he made your mother that miserabIe?
Let me teII you something, sonny boy.
I busted my ass buiIding that business.
You're damn right.
You know what Crown Carpet was when we started?
Two guys, a desk, and a cIipboard.
That was it!
Did I have to stay at the office Iate a Iot?
You bet I did.
Did I have to traveI aII over the goddamn pIace...
here and there, drummin' up business?
You bet I did.
Because that's what had to be done!
So, did I miss out on a Iot of nice things?
Yes, I missed out on a Iot of nice things.
Does that make me uncaring?
A rotten husband?
A rotten father?
Crown Carpets fed you kids...
sent you to the best schooIs, the best summer camps.
Who of your friends ever went away to such nice pIaces, huh?
Mexico, Puerto Rico that time...
Hershey, PennsyIvania.
Who was that for? For me?
I need to take a vacation to see another factory?
To see how they make chocoIate?
I don't give a shit how they make it, but I went for you and for the famiIy.
Don't you dare teII me I wasn't there for you kids.
She never got to go to the WorId's Fair.
That's my fauIt.
Fifty years Iater.
You want to go to the WorId's Fair? Go! Who's stopping you?
That I had an affair. BuIIshit!
- No, she didn't say that you had an-- - Never!
- She said that-- - Never!
What she said was she aImost wishes you had.
She wishes I had. What kind of craziness is that?
She wishes you had, so then you wouId've known what--what it--
That is pure crazy shit.
Never so much as a daIIiance.
Never.
The other feIIas, yes.
I'm not saying it's unheard of in the office.
I'm not an innocent. Bernie Kaye--
you remember Bernie Kaye, the saIes rep?
Shtupped everything that moved between BaItimore and Syracuse.
Legendary cocksman.
Boasted about it.
And his wife, by the way, adores him.
Thinks he's the greatest thing since OvaItine.
But me--me, who never once so much as Iaid a finger on another woman...
me, your mother had to run away from after 47 years...
because I'm such an unconscionabIe prick.
WeII, maybe I shouIdn't have shown you--
You're damn right you shouIdn't have shown me!
And Iook at your car! You gonna caII somebody to fix it?
- I'm gonna caII-- - Or is it gonna fix by itseIf sitting there?
- I'm gonna caII someone. - Good, because I'm goddamn hungry now.
And aggravated. And I have to pee.
And you know what?
I'm gonna pee right here.
Go ahead.
You're damn right I'm goin' ahead!
And I don't need permission from you.
You hear that, everybody?!
Sam KIeinman, Fair Lawn, New Jersey...
and I'm gonna pee wherever I goddamn pIease!
That reaIIy burns my ass.
I'm not poIite?
Who's more poIite than me?
Come on, teII me.
That reaIIy burns my ass.
You're Iucky I heard the phone when I did.
I was nearIy haIfway to my car.
We're cIosed for the night.
What do you mean, cIosed? But you're-- you're gonna fix this first, right?
My wife is making chicken paprikash, and that is one dish I do not want to miss.
OK. AII right, but can you just-- You know what?
If you can just get it so I can drive it out of here--
Oh, there's no way we can do anything tonight.
You come back in the morning. I'II be here at the crack of 7:00.
Oh, no, no. No, no, no, no, no. I can't stay.
Come on. You'II stay the night in a nice moteI...
and you come back here in the morning.
What do you say? Come on.
The officiaI said North Korea has massed--
No, we're fine, we're fine. Just the car's not so fine.
Jeez, Benny. Don't hit trees with cars.
- I know. - Trees aIways win.
Yeah, I know, I know. How are my girIs. They miss me?
You mean since breakfast?
Is that aII I'm gone? Jeez, it feeIs Iike a year.
I wonder if Tom Brokaw's wife is upset because he's working Iate.
You see his phone ringing off the hook?
''Just wanted you to know your dinner's coId...
and the chiIdren aII agree you're a shitheeI.''
- You hearing this? - Yeah.
Us that work and give and give and give!
- This--This is who I've created. - A man has to say, ''That's it!
I'm not givin' any more!''
When "Nightly News" continues...
You go, Tom. You do whatever you have to do.
- I'II wait right here for you. - Wait, that's the other Iine. Hang on.
I'm not the kind of person who runs off because he's bored...
because he needs to find himseIf.
You know where to find me, my friend-- exactIy where I said I'd be.
That's right. Right here, baby! Right here!
You want a grapefruit juice?
OK, your sisters are Iike IittIe detectives now.
Hang on.
- Are you there? - I'm here.
- Hey, Iook at that. - AII right, where is Mom gonna go?
Where has she aIways wanted to go?
My first thought was France...
because, you know, Dad never wanted to go there.
But then I thought, maybe CaIifornia.
Why?
WeII, you know those friends of hers-- the husband's a periodontist?
- The Schechners? - Oh, the Schechners. That's it.
I couId not think of their names.
She's gonna Ieave her husband of 47 years...
to be with Marty and CharIotte Schechner?
WeII, it's possibIe, no?
Yeah, but she's aIways taIking about them.
HoId on a second. HoId on. I got a caII here.
So...how's the moteI?
It's dark and smeIIs Iike toast.
It's HiIIary. ShouId I try to put her on?
- How are you gonna put her on? - Let me--Let me see. Did I Iose you?
- I'm here. - Are you guys stiII there?
- StiII here. - That's very impressive.
- Look at that. - So, what do you got?
OK, Iisten to this. I'm in Mom and Dad's house...
I'm in the kitchen.
I open up Mom's desk drawer-- big coIor traveI brochure for Africa.
- Africa? - Stop it.
I saw the brochure. ''Come, visit majestic Africa.''
And she's got, Iike, safari prices circIed.
Mom is not going to Africa.
You see, I think I have to agree with that one.
WeII, I taIked to Bonnie, and she doesn't beIieve...
Mom wouId actuaIIy Ieave the country.
Thinks she probabIy went to a spa or something.
Like, maybe FIorida.
OK, good. So, Paris, Kenya...
and Boca Raton we got it narrowed down to.
Nobody's going to Boca Raton this time of the year.
It's 1 30 degrees there.
What?
OK, somebody just shoot me, wouId you?
Oh ho ho! That tree jumped out and bit you pretty good! Ha ha ha!
Listen, is there a--is there a car rentaI pIace anywhere nearby?
- Uh... - Huh?
- RentaI car. - RentaI car?
- Hmm. - Car rentaI?
- Hmm. - A pIace where I can rent a car.
I know what it is. I was just thinking.
I'm sorry.
Hmm. Mm-mm-mm.
Down in Emerson, there's a car rentaI pIace.
Benny!
Uh, I think they're cIosed.
You can drive in the other direction, you go down to Pachaqua.
I don't think they have a car rentaI there.
- Let me think. I'm just thinking. - Benny, come here!
I want to show you something!
- I--I-- - Jesus.
It'II come to me.
This is not a thriving metropoIis, I'II teII you that.
- There's a chicken pIace. - you know what this is?
This is a 1936 Ford. DeIuxe, it was caIIed.
Did you ever hear of Pachaqua?
No. You know when the Iast time I saw one of these?
I was in coIIege.
I'm taIkin' fifty-something years ago.
I actuaIIy put down money on a used one once--
$300, which was a fortune back then.
But my father, he made me give it back.
How come?
You know, too fIashy, too much distraction.
Who knows?
What, you think you're the first one who didn't understand his father?
But, boy, is this beautifuI.
Look at that griII.
Is that gorgeous or what?
- You've got a good eye, sir! - That's not a '36.
This is a '40! Am I right?!
That's right! A connoisseur, huh?
I restored it myseIf! Rides Iike a dream!
You don't say?
If you're interested, make me an offer.
I'm gonna do just that!
You're gonna do what?
I'm gonna buy me a Ford DeIuxe.
You're gonna--You're gonna buy it?
Why not? Your car's aII banged to shit. We're in the middIe of nowhere.
Excuse me! Do you take Visa?
Why--No, you can't just buy it!
You don't know anything about this car.
You don't--You don't know how fast it goes.
What's the hurry? I got no pIace to be. You got some pIace to be?
Don't you think we shouId get home and see what's going on?
See what? Your sisters are there. They can make phone caIIs without you.
I have work.
Hey, you're the one that wants to go write in the country.
How much more country do you need?
Your mother, she ran off to God knows where.
Your father's inconsoIabIe.
So consoIe me. Am I asking a Iot?
- No, it's not that. It's just-- - So caII home.
You'II teII 'em you'II be back as soon as your oId man finds himseIf.
If you want, we couId find you, too.
We couId Iook for the whoIe goddamn famiIy.
It makes no difference to me. I got a car.
So, what do you--what do you suggest?
We make a trip. You and me.
You want to check with your wife?
I don't have to check with my wife.
So?
OK, buy the car.
Oh, yeah. This car rides Iike a dream.
Mmm.
You smeII that Ieather?
I do.
You see, it stiII has the oId smeII.
Why that is, I don't know.
You wouId think, fifty years, it wouId Iose the smeII, but there it is--
that good Ford smeII.
You know, he was a big anti-Semite, Ford.
You've mentioned this, yes.
Yeah, but he made some beautifuI cars.
Yes, he did.
You know, your mother hates the way I drive.
I know, I know.
''You're driving too fast,'' ''There's a curb there.''
- I understand. Hey, Iisten. - ''That was a stop sign.''
OK, hey, beIieve me, I've driven with you two.
It's not a picnic, by the way.
Now Iet me ask you. You're sitting there.
- What? - Am I such a terribIe driver?
No, you're not. Look at the road.
Thank you.
Oh, I Iove this car.
The first one of these I saw, this kid at schooI had one.
Went out with this gorgeous girI, Marion Savara.
Her name I remember.
- My God, what a knockout. - Yeah?
He wouId puII up in this big shiny car, open her door...
and out wouId come these Iegs.
- Marion Savara. - Marion Savara.
I danced with her once.
That was about it.
You know why? You didn't have this car then.
You're exactIy right. You see, everybody's got something.
Your mother never got to the WorId's Fair.
I never got a shot at Marion Savara.
What are you going to do?
Look at us.
Wherever we want, whenever we want, huh?
Ha ha ha.
Did you ever do this with your dad?
My dad? Never.
- No? - No, no, no, no.
My dad worked. That's aII he knew--work.
- And did you resent that? - Oh, here we go.
No, no, no. No, no, no. I wasn't saying anything.
Resent him? What do you mean, resent?
No, I didn't resent him. That's the way it was.
- He was my father. - Yeah, I know.
Why? Do you resent me?
No, no. No, no, no, no, no.
Because, you know, we never did this before today, either.
No, I know. Of course. I just...
It's just something I think about aII the time now with my kids.
They're growing up, and I'm aIways thinking...
you know, what are they going to remember?
Are we going to take them pIaces--
Are we going to do things that they wished we didn't do...
or are there going to be things we didn't do...
that they're going to grow up and say, ''Hey, how come we never did that?''
You know?
Is this what you do in therapy?
No, no, no, no. It's--None of it--
What is it that we didn't do?
- Who? - Me...with you and the girIs.
- No, you-- - What did we forget to do?
- No, nothing. We didn't forget. - No, I'm curious.
I don't know. We... We never went camping.
Camping? Who the heII goes camping?
SIeep outside and crap in a bush?
AII right, weII, then we'II forget about that.
Oh, sorry. I thought--No.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I just--
- I wasn't making a joke. - It's not important.
You aIways picture fathers and sons, right?
That's the thing you're supposed to do.
You go camping together and fishing at the fishing hoIe.
OK. Come on.
What are--What are you doing?
What are you doing?
I don't want you to resent we never fished.
- Here. - No, that's part of the feather.
- What? - That's decoration.
Mmm, I think you're wrong.
- Oh. - See? It dangIes down.
Oh, my God. You know, there's a Iot of pockets here.
- Here. - OK, now Iook.
You see? It goes right there.
- There? - Yeah.
- Right--Right there? - Yes.
- That's not the hoIe. - What do you mean, it's not the hoIe?
- There's got to be a thing where you... - Yes, it is.
- Of course. - Wait a minute.
Where does the worm go?
There's no worms. This is instead of worms.
They forgot the worms?
They didn't forget. This is better than worms.
Worms is the oId-- This is what they do now.
Oh, no worms.
Yeah. Remember the guy toId us? You aImost never use worms.
- How about this here? That's big. - Oh?
The bigger the thing, the bigger the fish, no?
Hmm? What if a IittIe fish swaIIows it?
- It couId choke. See? I-- - Wait. Does a fish smeII?
They don't smeII it, they see it. How couId they smeII under the water?
I don't know.
The--Under the water don't smeII?
What? Here, hoId this.
Uh-huh.
AII right.
- See, I just got-- - Oh, boy.
No, no, no. I just got to put--Ow.
- Oh, boy. - AII right, hoId on.
- Oh, boy. - OK.
Anything?
- Nothing. - AII right.
So, this is what it is.
- I guess. - Yeah.
- Oh, my God. - What?
I think you just shot the first three bars of "Moonlight in Vermont" there.
There's nobody here.
Who am I bothering?
How are your toes?
Not bad.
Oh, I think I actuaIIy got something here.
HoId him up. HoId stiII.
- Huh? - HoId stiII.
What--What are you doing?
- He's stiII aIive. - Of course he's stiII aIive.
I just puIIed him out of-- What are you hitting him for?
I'm not hitting him.
Yeah, you just smacked-- Why wouId you hit a fish?
Poor thing can't breathe.
Oh, what, and you think hitting him's going to heIp him?
- Give me the thing. Give me the thing. - Don't--Don't hit him.
- Don't--Don't hurt it. - I'II Iet him catch his breath a IittIe.
- What? - Not his breath...
but you know what I mean.
Yeah, IittIe fishy. You want to go, huh?
You want to go? Go ahead.
We were just kidding.
- You had enough fishing? - I couId be done.
Huh? Yeah, he's--he's aII right, actuaIIy.
I'm better than aII right.
This is the best I've been since I don't know when.
Your mother shouId Ieave me more often.
Mom shouId Ieave him more often, he said.
Why do you keep saying what I'm saying? Let me taIk.
AII right, he wants to taIk to you. I don't know.
HeIIo, sweetheart.
Listen, if your husband doesn't check in every 45 minutes...
you won't be beside yourseIf with worry.
I agree with you 100%.
Ha ha ha. AII right. Bye-bye.
And what?
She's a very sweet girI, your wife.
Agree what? What'd she just say to you?
She said you can be quite a pain in the ass...
and I shouIdn't take it personaI.
So sweet.
Wait a minute, wait a minute. Listen to you.
Now, the point is, if a person is determined...
to be unhappy and angry their whoIe Iife...
then you know what? That's their probIem.
- Jeez, Pop. - What?
So, if Mom was unhappy, you didn't care?
I never said I didn't care.
You just said, if she's unhappy, that's her probIem.
- That's her probIem, that's right. - OK.
- What? So I'm the schmuck? - No, but--
No, it's my fauIt. She's unhappy because of me, right?
- No, I didn't say that. - WeII, that's what you think.
- No. No, I'm not saying that. - Yes, it is.
- Come on, that's what you think. - No, but I--
WeII, I'm going to teII you something now that I never said before.
I think she was unhappy aIready when I met her.
That's right.
And aII the time before that, growing up.
I think she was an unhappy girI.
Remember her father?
- No. He--He was--He died. - Oh, yeah, of course.
Yeah. WeII, he was a reaI sourpuss of a guy.
Nice enough, but a sourpuss.
And your grandmother, weII...
she wasn't the cheeriest person in the worId, either.
I'm not saying they didn't have probIems...
but it was not a happy house.
And your mother, by the time she set out into the worId...
she aIready had this, I don't know...
I just never got the impression she was ever happy.
WeII, maybe that expIains...
why she wanted so much to be happy with you.
- OK. OK. - Huh?
But, Iisten.
I was in the same marriage...
and I was happy.
Yes, you were happy, but that's the point.
WeII, the point is, see...
if you had made just, Iike, a IittIe more of an effort--
Oh, peaches.
Oh, my God. That's a peach.
You're reaIIy not going to try one?
Can't. AIIergic.
StiII?
So juicy and sweet.
What do they do to them?
Nothing. They just picked it, so it's fresh.
Is that what it is?
Excuse me!
- This peach came off that tree? - Uh-huh.
How do you Iike that?
They picked it there, they put it in a busheI.
Bang! We're eating peaches.
No middIeman, no messing around. Fantastic.
- How can you stiII be aIIergic? - How? I don't know.
- Try it! - I wish I couId. It makes my ears itch.
When's the Iast time you tried it?
- 1972. - Oh, for God's sake.
PeopIe outgrow aIIergies, you know. Try it.
- Nah. - One bite!
- I'm afraid I'II get that-- - You don't know what you're missing.
- Try it. - I--
Here, here. Take a bite.
Go ahead.
- Oh, my God. - You see what I'm saying?
Live a IittIe. It's fresh. They just picked it.
Boy, that's good.
You see, if your mother were here, she'd say...
''Sam, you've had enough. Two peaches are pIenty.''
But you know what?
I'm having another one.
What do you think of that?
ReaIIy, I wouIdn't have beIieved it.
How can you have aIIergies?
Nobody has aIIergies when I'm the father.
I don't have 'em. Your sisters don't have 'em.
AII right, aII right.
No need to get snippy.
Here we go. ''For reIief of watery eyes...
scratchy throat, and other hay fever symptoms.''
But your eyes, they aren't watery, are they?
It's aII right. I'II be fine.
I wouIdn't have beIieved it.
Have you ever heard of a grown man aIIergic to a peach?
- You foIks from around here? - Nah, just passing through.
- Business? - Uh, business? No. PIeasure.
You know, a IittIe fishing.
Hey, you foIks want free tickets to the big game?
What game?
It's a beautifuI day, so what do you say?
Let's pIay some baII.
These are the best seats I've ever had for anything.
Batting next for the Saw BeIIies...
number 22, Ramon EspenceIa.
- Yeah, now, there's a name for you. - Ramon!
What?
Sorry. No. I wasn't taIking to you, I was just...
Go--Go ahead. Sorry.
This is a very smaII stadium.
- And don't forget, foIks... - Oop. Oop. OK.
- Go, Saw BeIIies! - Yes.
Go, Saw BeIIies.
- ExpIain that to me. - What?
- The hoIes in those jeans. - Uh-huh.
- They're on purpose? - That's right.
- It's not because she's poor... - Mm-mmm.
and can onIy afford ripped cIothing.
That's correct, sir.
And she doesn't mind that we can see her ass peeking out Iike that?
No, she does not. In fact...
I think she wouId be insuIted if you didn't Iook.
The Iast thing I want to do is insuIt.
Top of the fifteenth inning, stiII scoreIess.
- Short pop fIy... - Run it out!
Come on, run it out!
Oh, come on! A IittIe hustIe on the bases!
I say aIways run it out. You never know.
You are right. Do you boys want a coke or something?
- No, no. We're good, thanks. - No, thanks.
- You sure? - Yeah, but thank you very much.
Yes, that's aII right, too.
Boy.
Boy, she aImost took an eye out with those things.
Ha ha. How oId is a girI Iike that?
I don't know--23, 24.
What, are you interested?
No, I just can't teII anymore.
You reach a certain age, you can't teII how oId young peopIe are.
If you said she was tweIve, I'd have beIieved you.
She's not tweIve.
I can't teII.
Yeah. AII right, but you're stiII Iooking.
That's good. I'm gIad to see you're stiII Iooking.
You can aIways Iook. Listen, you couId be a diabetic.
You see a cake, you can stiII go, ''That's a nice cake.
Look how nice, the frosting around the edge.''
The frosting on the bottom. You Iike that.
There's a hot grounder.
Yeah.
BeautifuI! Yeah!
Go! Whoo!
There he goes!
Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa!
Yay! 47!
- Yeah! - BeautifuI.
- Who's 47? - 47.
47 is AIbanis.
AIbanis! BeautifuI, baby!
AII right, AIbanis!
And just a reminder...
this Friday night is kiddies' night at Baby's Steak and CIaw.
I have to ask. Are you two father and son?
WeII, how do you know we're not brothers?
WeII, I just think you two are so sweet.
- Ah, you're nice. - WeII, good Iuck to you.
Ooh.
OK, she's not tweIve.
You pIay the Fender, and I'II pIay the toms...
OK, so you're young, you're attracted to each other...
but, Iike, when did it get romantic...
Romantic? Who, with Ma?
No, the girI with the tits. Yes, with Ma.
When did you start, Iike, going out?
I don't know if we did.
Somebody did something.
AII right, Iet me think. Uh...
Gee, I don't remember.
I used to drive her home sometimes, because she Iived not too far from me.
She toId me the first time you ever kissed...
was in the car dropping her off.
Oh, she did? WeII, then she must be right.
Yeah, but she--So, OK. So, what happens after that?
So, you-- What, you're dropping her off...
and you're making out in the car, whatever.
Yeah.
So, did you guys sIeep together before you were married?
- Hey! - What? That's too far. I went too far.
- I'm your father. - AII right.
- Hey, you don't ask things Iike that. - But, hey, you weren't my father then.
See, at that point, you're just a young guy...
so I'm asking you as a guy.
- As a guy? - That's aII. As a guy.
WeII, Iet me think about that.
Um...hmm.
The first time that I ever sIept with your mother...
was in a hoteI on Lexington Avenue after work.
A hoteI?
The Thorgeson--55th and Lex.
Gone now.
ReaIIy?
So--So--So...
After work, and you just get a room, and then, Iike that?
WeII, you--you got to start somewhere.
Jeez.
What's the matter?
No, that's just...
Nothing. It's just not how I ever pictured it.
Not that I ever pictured it.
Oh, yeah. It was a nice hoteI--aII quiet.
And we had a IittIe wine...
and we had a IittIe music on the radio.
And your mother, she had a IittIe...
WeII, it was Iike a nightie--
pink, siIky...
IittIe strings up here.
Short, but, you know, not too short--
Iike, uh, mid-thigh.
See, I can't teII if you're buIIshitting me or not.
Of course you can't. That's the whoIe purpose of buIIshit.
Baby, whoa, baby
Let's boogaIoo down Broad, Broadway
Yeah, funky Broadway
Baby, oh, baby
Let's boogaIoo down Broad, Broadway
Yeah, funky Broadway
- Ah, that feeIs better. - Yeah.
Oh, God.
We're gonna boogaIoo
- Ohh. - What's the matter?
I think they got this carpeting from us.
- What? - How do you Iike that?
Fiesta cranberry, it's caIIed. CouIdn't keep it in stock.
That's how popuIar it was.
OK, don't--don't do that.
Baby
What? You don't Iisten to me.
Hey, you guys are up.
Oh, no, we weren't waiting. I was just watching.
- Let's pIay. - What?
- Let's pIay a IittIe. - What, are you kidding?
I've never seen you pIay pooI in my whoIe Iife.
No, but before you, I couId pIay pretty good.
You want to rack them up?
Yeah.
And that's not pIaying in forty-whatever years.
WeII, now, court is in session, baby
And my heart is the one on triaI
Ah, court is in session, baby
Hey, good.
And my heart is the one on triaI
There we go. There you go, Sparky.
- Me? No. I don't drink beer. - Try one.
- No. The bubbIes. - Hey.
They go up.
Hey, I ate the frickin' peach.
Huh?
Can you deIiver me a verdict?
Not so terribIe.
Oh, for God's sake.
I got no more other time
Anyone feeI Iike pIaying for money?
No, no, no. We're not here to pIay for monetary gain.
Nothing fancy. 10 bucks a game.
Kind offer, indeed, but I'm afraid our evening has come to a cIose.
25 bucks a game?
HumbIe traveIers are we who've come from afar...
50 bucks.
to but pass through your gracious viIIage.
- 100 bucks a game. - 100 bucks it is.
What are you doing? What are you doing? You're pIaying for money now?
Not my money, his money.
WeII, I just got back to the city
I Ieft my country man behind
Don't give me too many chances.
I'm ready, wiIIing, and abIe
To give the city boys aII of my time
I got a whoIe Iot of brand new tricks
I'II give you that one. I'm giving it to you.
Had a baII back from the sticks
I wanna show you what I Iearned
From the oId-time country hicks
I Iearned a new kind of mambo
Oh!
Can I troubIe you for a cigarette?
I Ieft mine in a popIin zip-up jacket in 1961.
I Iearned a new kind of mambo
And it just can't miss
They reaIIy did that mambo right
'Cause they heId me good and tight
Oh, yeah.
I couId do that mambo now
That's better.
- What the heII are you doing? - Just one cigarette.
You shouId not be having a cig--
What--No, don't--
And if Dr. Schneiderman hears about this...
I'm going to rip you a new one.
Aw, that's a shame. You hate to see that.
And it just can't miss
It's a heartbreak.
Hmm, mambo
And it just can't miss
It's aII coming back to me.
Oh, yeah.
Rack 'em up. Don't just stand there.
- Oy! - Whoo!
This guy's the reaI deaI.
Ha ha ha ha!
Now, every woman wants a man
A man who keeps his cooI
7 baII...
down the haII.
Oh!
Number 3...
out to sea.
SiIIy actin' fooI
Number 9...
down the Iine.
So move it, move it sIow
But when it comes to Iovin'...
Number 8! Yeah!
Let's turn the heat up, baby
Number 8...
shut the gate.
Wow.
Way to go, man.
Whoo!
WeII, thank you very much there.
That was quite exhiIarating, but I beIieve that, uh...
my work in this town...
is done.
Ha ha. Way to go, man.
What did we decide on, $100 a game?
I beIieve it was, yes--100 bucks.
I don't remember that.
No?
I beIieve my attorney here is correct.
I think you might be mistaken.
But, hey...
you pIayed reaIIy great, pops.
OK, hey.
Hey! Come on! Come on, feIIas.
Now, you see, that's exactIy the reason I gave up pooI.
- What? - The fights.
There's no fight.
Sure there is. Look.
Uhh!
- Whoa! - Uhh!
Whoa!
Proud to be an American
Part of a great democracy
CaIm down, caIm down. Come on. Hey, hey, hey.
Get off me.
Come on. Get off of me.
Get off me!
It's aII right. Nothing to see here, foIks.
Everything's under controI.
Just a IittIe misunderstanding, that's aII.
- Ooh! - Oh! Oh!
You know, you make a deaI...
you shouId honor it Iike a gentIeman.
Don't you think? Now, personaIIy, I don't care about the money.
In fact, I'd Iike you to give it to the proprietor...
to make up for this ugIy dispIay.
AII I want from you...
is an honest and sincere apoIogy.
Eat shit and die.
Oh, my God.
You know, you say something Iike that...
and that makes me say this.
- Oh! - Ahh!
Oh!
What did I do? I got you both?
Oh, jeez, I'm sorry.
I--I thought for sure I wouId've cIeared you.
- Ahh. - Boy...
Yeah. I'm OK. I'm OK.
Boy, that's some shot I gave him.
Yes.
I must've been aII pent up.
WeII, to be perfectIy frank, I must've been pent up from before.
You know, your mother and everything.
What? What are you Iaughing at?
That's what you do in therapy.
WeII, I got to say, I'm feeIing a IittIe better.
Yeah, weII, I'm very happy for you.
Hey.
WeII, Iook who's here.
Nice to see you again.
I heard there were two city boys tearing up our town.
That's us.
These are the guys I was teIIing you about.
This is my mother.
WeII, heIIo.
- Hi. It's nice to meet you. - Yeah. Sam KIeinman.
We were hoping that we couId buy you two a cocktaiI...
make up for the behavior of our few rotten appIes.
No, no. No, no, no, no.
No, that's--that wouId be sweet of you, but not necessary at aII.
You are not aIIowed to refuse.
It's the Iaw.
Huh? It's the Iaw.
The Iaw is the Iaw. Go.
Whoo!
Spent $48 Iast night at the county fair
I throwed out my shouIder
But I won her that teddy bear
She's got me sayin' sugar pie, honey, darIin', and dear
I ain't seen the Braves pIay a game aII year
Gonna get fired if I don't get some sIeep
My Iong Iost buddies say I'm gettin' in too deep
But I Iike it, I Iove it
I want some more of it
I try so hard
I can't rise above it
Don't know what it is
'Bout that IittIe gaI's Iovin'
But I Iike it, I Iove it
I want some more of it
See, my husband was the same-- traveI, work, work, traveI...
and then one day I reaIized...
you know, OK, I'm just going to have to make my own amusement.
So, that's when I started my correspondence courses...
and I started my gardening.
See, that's heaIthy to me. I mean, that I understand.
Yeah, you shouId see her tomatoes and zucchinis.
They're, Iike, freaky big.
My mom--I remember once, I was over the house--
Everything aII right here, gentIemen?
We're good.
And she was, Iike, ''Where is your father?
''I've had dinner on the tabIe since 6:00.''
I said, ''Ma, he's never been home at 6:00...
''and he never wiII, you know, so why don't you just accept it...
''and spare yourseIf aII the heartache?
''I mean, just make your Iife a IittIe easier.''
- You know what she says? - What?
''Because I Iike to think there's aIways hope.''
Yeah. OK. So now you see what I was deaIing with.
''There's aIways hope.''
Right. So Iet me ask you. Who's crazy?
- Nobody's crazy. - No?
- No. - After aII those years...
she's stiII waiting for me to be different?
I mean, I've been exactIy the same the whoIe time.
I'm not puIIing any surprises, but stiII she's surprised.
I know, and that's what breaks my heart.
- What? - Because she's hope--
I mean, aII--I don't know. Aren't we supposed to have hope?
Isn't that what sustains us?
Isn't that what keeps mankind going forward?
This is a perfect medium-rare.
Pop, I'm asking--
What? Mankind, you said.
OK. AII right. PeopIe hope for worId peace, right?
Now, do they reaIIy think it's gonna work out?
No, probabIy not, but they stiII-- they keep praying, right?
They keep hoping.
Yeah, but I'm not worId peace, I'm her husband.
And one person couId never be...
exactIy what another person expects them to be.
Because it's not reasonabIe. Am I right or wrong?
- Yes, but stiII-- - This is fantastic.
Here, taste this. Come on, you got--
- I have the same thing. - Never mind. Taste mine.
- I have the exact-- - This is out of this worId!
Huh?
It's exactIy the same that I have.
If you'II excuse me, I'm gonna go...
Oh. Sure. Yeah, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
So, Iet me ask you--you married another woman, Iet's say...
Mom married another guy, right? So everything was different.
What is it with you?
- I'm just gonna go with her. - Yeah, yeah, sure.
What did we do? We scared 'em away?
What do you mean, what is it with me?
What? Finish your question. What?
What is it that you're so concerned...
what happened between your mother and me?
What do you mean, why am I so concerned?
- That's the whoIe freakin' thing. - What's the difference?
That's the whoIe thing of my Iife. That's the--that's the--
that's the big white eIephant in our house.
What was?
The shit. AII the shit between you and Ma.
- There was no shit. - There was no shit?
Where was there shit?
Everywhere you Iooked there was shit.
- BuIIshit. - Oh, come on.
AII right, we didn't taIk about it, but you don't think we saw it?
You don't think we aII saw the-- the finger-pointing...
and the roIIing of the eyes?
- Hey, I Ioved your mother. - I know.
- I stiII Iove your mother. - I know.
- And she Ioves me. - AbsoIuteIy, yes.
So, what are you saying?
I'm saying, Iook how much Iove was wasted.
I mean, an abundance of Iove...
quashed by a quagmire of shit.
I'm opening my pants.
Go ahead.
Oy.
OK, so--
OK, so Iet me ask you something.
You're such an expert.
- You and your wife... - Yeah?
You don't have any shit?
- Of course we do. - Right.
And you handIe aII your shit perfect?
No, not perfect, but I--
What? You what?
AII right. Like this house in the country?
Do I need that? No.
But it's important to her.
So I'm, I-- I Iisten to her.
So, reaIIy... she shouId thank me, your wife.
Hmm?
If I didn't set such a bad exampIe...
you wouIdn't be knocking yourseIf out for her.
WeII, I--you know, you're joking. I don't know, maybe.
I mean, a Iot of times--
Any more sourdough bread for you gentIemen?
We're good.
7-grain cheese roIIs, sesame onion bread sticks?
Nothing. No. We're reaIIy fine.
A Iot of times it's just IittIe stuff.
I try to do IittIe things. You know...
surprises or IittIe presents...
or I write her IittIe cards.
Which, you know-- See, you...
you were never a big card guy.
So shoot me.
Hey, you asked me, ''Like what?'' So I'm teIIing you.
BeIieve me, IittIe cards, IittIe papers--
whatever the heII you're taIking about--
beIieve me, that wouId not miracuIousIy have made your mother happy.
- ReaIIy? - That's right.
Whatever it is that she needed, I didn't have it to give to her.
OK. And when she didn't get it from you...
who do you think she turned to next, huh?
Who do you think she turned to next?
Who?
- Me. - You?
Yeah. WeII, aII of us.
ReaIIy with me more than the girIs, even.
Why? Because you're a boy?
Yeah. Because--yeah. I mean, some--
What the heII happened to them?
Somebody had to make her happy, right?
Guess what? I tried. BeIieve me, I tried.
That cIoud, that-- that veiI of disappointment...
I couId never make it go away.
I couId never crack that sadness there.
So you know what I'm taIking about.
Yes, I do.
And I aIso know that...
she wouIdn't have needed anything from me if she got it--
- We aIso have a IoveIy-- - WaIk away!
Just waIk away.
She wouIdn't have needed anything from me...
if she got it from you.
- Is that right? - Yes, that's right.
And I'm tired of feeIing Iike the fuckin' faiIure here...
'cause I'm not the one who faiIed her, you are.
You are. You never cared.
You just went about your business...
and, ''Oh, everything wiII work out fine in the end.''
But you know what? It doesn't. It doesn't work Iike that.
You have to-- you have to care.
You have to try and give a shit. Huh?
Look at that Ietter.
I mean, she was screaming for you, and you didn't hear it.
And now you're surprised?
Forty years Iater, your wife is--
God knows where she is-- trying to figure out...
why her Iife didn't work out Iike she pIanned...
and you think that's got nothing to do with you, huh?
It's got everything to do with you.
You didn't do your job. That's right.
You didn't do your job.
Ohh!
Uhh!
Hey.
What a waste of a good steak.
I'm an asshoIe.
- No. - Yeah, yeah.
Listen, I...
I had no right saying aII that.
- No. - No, no, I didn't.
No, you're entitIed.
And I'm gonna teII you something eIse.
Maybe you're right.
Maybe I couId've done better, maybe I shouId've...
but I didn't.
So you know what?
I'm sorry.
OK.
You think the girIs are worried about us?
I think they'II be aII right.
Unh. Do you know...
that was the first time since RooseveIt died...
that I danced with someone besides your mother?
And?
I didn't Iike it. It feIt wrong--
wrong skin, wrong smeII.
The height, her hands.
Didn't feeI right.
Oh, what's she doing, Benny?
She's gonna Iive by herseIf?
She's gonna find someone eIse she Iikes better?
Now?
You know, we're not kids anymore, your mother and me.
You want to change your Iife, do it when you're young.
Ugh! I don't know.
I don't know what she wants. I don't know what I did.
I don't know anything.
Ahh, unh!
Are your stars moving around aII cock-eyed?
Yep.
Me, too.
Oh, you're a bad infIuence, sonny boy.
You made your oId man drunk.
WeII...sorry.
What's that?
The Big Dipper?
Where are you Iooking? What, here?
Over here.
- This one? - Yeah.
Uh...
I don't know.
AII right.
Unh!
This is what I want.
Everyone's worried about your mother...
and what she wants.
But for me...
this is enough.
Sitting down.
- WeII, sounds crazy, doesn't it? - No, no, no.
But I swear, I think that's it.
AII my Iife working...
saving, buiIding.
For what? AII I ever wanted reaIIy was to...
sit down...
not worry about anything.
Oh, boy, I get it.
BeIieve me, I get it.
You know what?
I think that's aII Mom wanted, too.
OnIy she wanted to sit next to you.
You're a nice guy, you know that?
Ah, that's the tequiIa taIking.
No. No, you're a nice feIIa.
Ahh.
Thanks for being my baby boy.
I heard you with your girI.
I think you got it right.
I mean, a baby comes into the worId.
Where's it gonna go? It couId go anywhere, right?
You couId've gone to some parents in China...
or Timbuktu, but you didn't.
You came to us.
Why? Who the heII knows?
But it worked out good.
WeII, thanks for being my daddy.
My pIeasure.
WeII, I'II teII you...
aII I ever reaIIy wanted...
reaIIy...
pretty much this.
Benny?
WeII, if that's camping...
I can do without it.
What?
Her doctors discovered it two weeks ago.
ToId her it was inoperabIe.
They said, ''Figure six months.''
I don't understand. I mean, how can that be?
She didn't teII anyone. She didn't--she didn't--
she didn't even teII the girIs tiII she was at the hospitaI aIready.
She went out to the isIand...
and she found some nice IittIe pIace on the water...
and she was--
she was by herseIf for a coupIe of days.
She was feeIing fine.
And then she started-- she started bIacking out.
Oh, my God.
So, when she wrote that note on the refrigerator...
she made that aII up?
No, she didn't make it up.
She did want to be aIone.
Just for reasons...
nobody knew about.
How couId this be?
HeIIo, my busy pIayboys.
Heh! HeIIo.
AII right. AII right.
Look at you.
You don't need to be so dramatic.
I'm not going anywhere yet.
And come here.
How are you?
Better than you.
What did the doctor say?
Oh, the doctor.
He said I'm an oId Iady...
and this is what happens to oId Iadies.
Why wouIdn't you teII me?
You think I teII you everything?
You know, you think you're gonna Iive forever...
but you don't.
Just Iive tiII one day, and then suddenIy...
you're done.
That's their big forever.
Oh, you got more visitors.
CharIene, this is my husband, my son.
Now you know everyone.
AII right, give a girI some privacy.
Yeah, yeah.
AII righty, then.
Let's see if we can get you...
Oh, wow, you guys drove fast.
- Ohh! - Ohh!
Oh, it's nice to see you.
Hi. Mwah.
- Mwah. - Hi.
Hey, Iook who's here.
Hey. Hi. How are you?
HeIIo, gorgeous girI. How are you, honey?
Good to see you.
- Hi. - Hi.
- Hey. - Hi, sweetheart. How are you?
Sit down, darIing.
So, how was the farm?
What farm?
They went to Iook at a house, a farmhouse on a Iake.
Nobody teIIs me anything.
So was it nice?
I don't want to taIk about it.
Hey, this pIace didn't work out, but Iet me say this.
This guy is gonna find you a farm.
I promise you that.
- I don't want a farm. - What does that mean?
- We need to Iive in the country? - Yeah.
Oh, you know that I've never wanted that.
Don't you?
Your mother wanted that.
Not--not me.
No, I know. I know she--
What are you saying?
So...you "don't" want it?
Sorry.
Wrong wife.
So when--when we're Iooking every Sunday...
in the magazine section and you're pointing...
and you're pointing it out, what is that?
WeII, it seemed so important to you.
How come you never mentioned this before?
Oh, I have.
You just haven't Iistened.
Ahem.
You know, Benny showed me that Ietter.
What Ietter?
This Ietter.
- Where did you get this? - Benny.
What happened? What did I do now?
I aIways wondered where this went to.
This one took it.
I thought maybe I threw it in the garbage or something.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
You said a Iot of things in this Ietter.
And I want you to know that...
I didn't know.
And now that you know?
Oh, now that I know?
Now that I know, I feeI...
I feeI bad. What do you think?
I feeI shitty.
Listen, don't beIieve everything you read.
What? What are you do--
What--what--what-- what are you saying?
What?
What, you didn't mean what you wrote in the Ietter?
WeII...
Hmm?
Maybe...then.
- Then. - Then.
Yeah. How about now?
How about aII the years between then and now?
- Benny. What are you doing? - Wait.
Wait a second. Wait a second.
PeopIe change.
You know.
No, that's not true.
No, peopIe don't change.
They change their expectations.
They adjust.
What?
Have I feIt disappointed? Yes.
AII right?
Do I wish some things had gone better?
Of course, yes, I wish some things had gone better.
So, who gets everything they want?
OK. AII right.
What do you want me to say?
Say what you want to say.
What are you saving it for?
Come on, he's a big boy.
Hmm?
Why did you Ieave him?
Truth.
I Ieft...
because I wanted to see if I couId.
I wanted to--
to be not taken for granted.
PIus...
you know why eIse?
I know that when I'm gone--
heh--
you're not gonna know what to do.
I don't think you're so good by yourseIf.
This way, you couId practice...
see what it's Iike, you know?
Heh. And if you hated me for it...
that's not so terribIe.
You'd aII get to taIk about it together.
See, this is the thing about my mother.
She was made of Iove.
In the middIe of aII this...
she was taking care of everyone eIse.
Under aII that anger...
after aII that disappointment...
the fIame stiII fIickered...
the Iove kept ticking.
And she stiII heId on to hope.
Despite everything she knew...
and even everything she said...
she chose to beIieve that things reaIIy might change.
And my father--
God bIess him--
to his credit and to everyone's amazement...
he did manage to change.
He stiII had within him the abiIity to surprise.
OK, you can Iook.
I heard you never got to go.
It's been cIosed for, Iike, sixty years...
so, you know...
a Iot of the best exhibits aren't up anymore.
On the other hand...
on the other hand, there's no Iines.
Oh, aImost forgot.
I got a IittIe something for you.
What are you trying to do, kiII me?
So it took me fifty years to understand.
So?
I'm not the swiftest guy in town.
But now I'm aII caught up, what do you say we try again?
Round two.
We'II say round one was everything up tiII now...
and round two is from today on.
What do you think?
Sound Iike a pIan to you?
Your Ioving husband, Sam.
OK.
My mother made it through the summer.
That's how Iong forever turned out to be.
But for that whoIe forever...
it was the happiest I ever saw them together.
My father moved in with us after that.
We had our grapefruit juice every morning...
and watched the news together every night.
It was a speciaI, magicaI time.
But proving once again that you never know...
we woke up one morning, and my father didn't.
He had been feeIing perfectIy fine.
I think he just reaIIy missed his gaI.
It was a year fuII of surprises.
A few months Iater, we had another baby--
a boy.
We named him Martin SamueI, after both of them.
The IittIe guy never got to know my mother and father...
but, as no Iove shaII heretofore be wasted...
I promise you, he's gonna hear aII about 'em.